Natal Mars in the 12th House

Natal Mars in the 12th House

Natal Mars in the 12th HouseSo what happens when our inner warrior is hidden away in the 12th house? This is an interesting placement for Mars. The 12th house is the area of life associated with the unconscious, spirituality, dreams. It is also the stuff we push away and don’t want to think about. It’s known as the house of self-undoing as things that are repressed eventually bubble up through the unconscious and can come out at the least opportune times. When we aren’t aware of why we act the way we do, this can have a detrimental effect on our lives and relationships.

With Mars in the 12th house, our drive, will, motivation and fighting instinct is secreted away in a very private area of the chart. Typically, planets in the 12th house can be given up for a greater good. In a study done by Gauquelin, it was noted that many sports men and woman had this placement. If we think of Mars as energy, your competitive side go-get-it side, then this makes sense because there is often a feeling with sport that what you are doing is for your team or for your country. You give over your power for a greater aim than simply your own.

This is also the house of isolation, so you may be drawn to solitary pursuits or pastimes like running for example. Sometimes people with a 12th house Mars are very self-driven behind the scenes so can be strongly motivated to simply ‘do their own thing’. But this is private and for them alone and they may not like others interfering.

Some with Mars in the 12th house fight for a cause. The 12th house is the house of hospitals and institutions and can relate to those who are lost and forgotten in society. Mars here may have an urge to help, to DO something. Sometimes, because this is the house indicating no boundaries and is therefore limitless, you may never know when to stop. You may always feel the need to be doing something and yet at the same time feel whatever you do is never enough.

Because Mars is connected to your physical energy levels and strength, for some this placement can indicate you need more rest than others. Maybe you are the kind of person who is physically drained when around too many other people. Some time alone will help to re-charge your batteries.

You may end up fighting everybody else’s battles other than you own. Your own anger and frustration can be bottled up by this placement. Anger can be displaced. In fighting for someone or something else, maybe you don’t look at or even see your own anger.

This placement can indicate someone who doesn’t like to show their anger – maybe when they were little they were told ‘it’s not nice’. Perhaps you are submissive, agreeable yet secretly you’re working hard to get to the top and beat them at their own game. Because the 12th house can represent the womb before birth, sometimes it can indicate that your mother found the pregnancy with you challenging. Maybe you kicked hard! Perhaps you don’t show you’re anger because you were frightened into keeping it hidden. Maybe you were bullied.

You may be afraid of your own anger. Perhaps you’re scared that if you show your anger, if you get into it – you’ll never stop. It can feel like imploding. You may be the kind of person to rage in silence. You may have dreams of fighting or battles or perhaps angry thoughts come to you seemingly without reason. In extreme situations, where Mars has been denied altogether, Mars turns the battle on himself so self-destructive anger and self harm can result. Mars in the 12th can be the poster child of being your own worst enemy.

Maybe you run from confrontations. Maybe you feel like there’s a hidden or invisible enemy. Perhaps you are an escapist. Maybe you’re inclined to jump ship when the going gets tough. Perhaps it’s just that you feel like it’s not worth fighting for. The challenge with this placement is that sometimes you can feel defeated before you ever start. It’s a ‘what’s the point’ aspect. You may have a feeling that you are ineffectual or you just can’t assert yourself.

Because Mars is connected to your desires and sexual attraction, you may find it difficult to openly pursue those you are attracted to. Secret desires may be unrequited or perhaps you are drawn to those who are unobtainable. Perhaps you just find it hard to ask for what you want from a partner. Sometimes relationships can trigger psychological complexes. This can be damaging or healing depending on how it is handled. Some people with Mars here may be celibate. On the plus side, Mars in the 12th house can indicate that sex is a spiritual experience, perfect for investigating tantric practices.

Look to the aspects that Mars makes in your chart. If they are positive, it may show that one of your karmic lessons in this life is to use your Mars for others. In a past life you may have honed your Martian energy – maybe you were strong and powerful yet kind and compassionate. Maybe you had mastered your body through martial arts or athleticism. Perhaps you were a natural leader and you bring that quality into your current life. Mars in the 12th can be on a mission. You are called to take action on those things that promote peace and connection between all things. Mars here could be said to be a fight for peace.

With challenging aspects, maybe in a past life, there were unwise actions or problems with anger and competitiveness, so in this life, it’s about learning to use the energy of Mars more effectively both for yourself an others. It may be about learning how to handle anger on a personal level, dealing with unresolved anger and ultimately forgiving yourself.

Working at its best, Mars in the 12th can indicate you are kind, compassionate and peaceful yet willing to challenge people and situations that seek to put others down. You are self-motivated and able to assert yourself without fear. As this can be a very creative house, Mars here may motivate you to become the quiet but talented artist or musician.

The positive side of Mars in the 12th house is that here he is in spiritual warrior. Where Mars is in the chart, he likes to feel strong. He shows something we want and where we tend to actively go out and get it. In the 12th house, this can be the active pursuit of the soul and a desire to work on your spiritual life. Your dream life may be very active too so it can be helpful to keep a dream diary. You have all this energy deep inside of you to draw upon. If you follow a healing path, you may have a very high perception of other people’s energy levels. Mars here can call you to initiate your own healing quest. When you feel stuck and unmotivated, an act of kindness for someone else may help to get you started again.

Natal Mars in the 12th House – Celebrity Examples

Nicole Kidman – Mars in Libra
“I would rather be tough on myself than have other people be tough on me.”

Britney Spears – Mars in Virgo
“I’m not at the point where I’d feel safe in a house alone. I would be really scared. I’m the kind of person that when I get up to go use the bathroom I have this big long hallway, and I just know someone’s going to jump out and get me.”

Heath Ledger – Mars in Pisces
“I like to do something I fear.”

(Note Heath Ledger passed away due to drug abuse)

Johnny Cash – Mars in Pisces
“I’m very shy really. I spend a lot of time in my room alone reading or writing or watching television.”

(Note – also battled issues with drugs and alcohol)

Maria Montessori – Mars in Cancer
“If help and salvation are to come, they can only come from the children, for the children are the makers of men.”

Painting – Detail from ‘Mars and Rhea Silvia’ by Peter Paul Rubens

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49 thoughts on “Natal Mars in the 12th House”

  1. You have to learn to disengage from other people’s “stuff” when you have Mars/12th. They can bring you down, drain you dry, energy vampires, because you’re going that extra mile, all the time. It can be a professional or personal theme or both. One’s empathy can go too far…Boundaries are necessary big time. Just say “no.” You learn to get it right w/ time and experience.
    Not an easy placement, but if you work it right you can leave the world a better place than what you’ve found it. You’re constantly championing for the underdog–people & animals, but you have to learn to champion for yourself, too!

  2. Oh yes, super sporty! Although I like to practice “solitary” sports modalities, and group class in the gym makes me anxious. I guess my love for Rugby comes from my (12th house) Mars in Taurus – there is nothing in the world as stubborn as a good scrum, you know. 🙂

  3. QUESTION: is this the same or true with aries in the 12th house. i have no planets in the 12th house. but mars is opposition my mars which is in libra. thanks.

  4. Hi a. Thanks for your question. No, this would be a little different if your Mars is placed elsewhere in your chart. Mars opposite or square Neptune would have a similar flavour to Mars in the 12th house. For you, it means that transits to your Mars would result in changes/shifts in your spiritual perception or unconscious caused by movements in the areas of life indicated by your natal Mars position and the transit house. Mars opposite Mars can sometimes feel like a bit of a low point, sometimes frustrating, sometimes you want to jump the gun. Impulsiveness/anger/conflict can be the main issues with Mars opposite Mars. The good side is that used at its best it can offer energy to pursue your own goals.

  5. This is a really helpful post. I can relate to much of what you said. (e.g. being bullied, being athletic, and being spiritually-driven).
    I’m wondering how this works if my 12th house is in Aries? I have Mars in Aries in my 12th, as well as my north node.
    I often feel like I am playing the game of life on a pretty difficult setting!
    Insights appreciated!

  6. yes; great article…pretty much malefic planets can do excellent in the dusthana houses.

  7. I have always been fascinated by the occult subjects especially spirituality expanded and explained through astrology but my mars and saturn are retrograde in the 12th house .Talk about the effects of retrogression,aspect and the sign.Thank you.

  8. could you please answer me, i am not that good in english.
    my 12 house ruler is taurus and mars(tau) in 12house, aspects with mars sun (ca) trine mars moon (aq) trine mars and mars trine saturn (ca).
    I often get darined by situations and some people, but what about my secret enemies and my emotions?

    thenk you very much 🙂

  9. Hi Marijana – There are many ways you can strengthen your Mars. Much of it is about connecting with your inner protector and defender so that you can learn to set appropriate boundaries instead of feeling drained by others. For example, therapy, shadow work, journalling, having a strong spiritual practice, chakra work and so on. If you would like to explore you chart further, I offer readings here

  10. I want to thank you for such a vast and varied description of Mars in the 12th house.
    My Capricorn Mars in the 12th house always stumped me for it is a difficult placement for Mars. Recognition is not its strong point! However, here is a list that fits your description:
    Animals and people that are lost and wounded come to me for help
    30 years ago, I became a Vegan for the planet/animals
    I am an energy healer for over 25 years, helping people transform their lives
    I am a vocal instrument in a kirtan ensemble, sacred chanting
    I raised two boys to be compassionate, caring men!! who love and enjoy women!!
    ( my major accomplishment)
    Oh yeah, I was also a star athlete as a child

    Thanks to my Mars in the 12th house!!
    I’ll stop blaming it now for not being in my 1st house!!

  11. I have 12H Sagittarius stellium (Mars, Venus, Jupiter) square 3H Pisces Saturn and trine 8H Leo Moon. Publicly I’m known as a hypersensitive, moody, temperamental, and ambitious loner; which I’m not proud of. I’m actually really sad at the fact I can’t really make friends in daily scheme; people always said I didn’t bother to try. Deep down I want to blend in, but inside my head, ‘responsibilities’ always shouting at me, haunting me with guilt if I don’t obey them, so I end up doing my works rather than spending time with my classmates. I feel if I don’t succeed, I worth nothing. But in the end, when I do get succeed, nobody is there to celebrate with me. I feel so lonely. All I ever do is accepting my solitary tendencies and live with it.

    Back then, I joined a brotherhood in which some of the members hadn’t liked me. I cracked here and there because of the clashes. But slowly, they saw my completely opened shell and since then, they smothered me with genuine affection. Our leader once told me, “It’s like you’re bringing a plate full of fruits everywhere, but nobody want to give them a try. Yet when they finally they do give it a try, those fruits are actually really sweet.” Upon hearing that, I immediately cried. It feels like somebody finally gets to see my deepest need and wish to be accepted. I have so much to give, but somehow I don’t know how to give it to others because they’re used to see me as stiff and unpleasant person…

  12. prasanna sridharan

    Hi leah thks fr d explanation..i have mars in aries in 12th house so is it like double blow in relationships aspect or will it be beneficiial in makin me learn frm mistakes.??.
    thks in advance 🙂

  13. I have this: in Aquarius, I do painting and film production and filming most of it is always behind the scenes.

  14. Hi! I have Mars in Cancer in 12th house and all my life i’ve had problems with anger management… I usually avoid confrontations and tried to be calm but when i’ve had enough of the situation that bothers me i just burst it out all anger… And unfortunately became something else… I dont want to be like that because the “actual me” cant even look the violence scences in the movies… So i cant find where this all repressed anger came from? I’ve tried past life regression it helps a bit… Please do tell me how can i help myself? How can i heal my Mars? I want to focus the positive aspects of Mars in 12th but in not sure what is it? Can you help me? Thank you so much!

  15. Hi Zeynep – Thanks for your comment. I noticed you said you usually ‘avoid confrontation’ and whilst I understand why, this may be part of the issue in that the conflict ends up building up to and then becomes unmanageable. Maybe there’s something here about setting boundaries. I also notice you separate yourself from you anger (the ‘actual you’ that doesn’t want to watch any violence). The more you put distance between you and your anger, the more that part of you will ‘shout’ louder to be heard. Repressed anger/rage can stem from many things – perhaps from childhood or perhaps from things that happened in adulthood. There are several different routes you can try – naturally therapy may be useful to explore the roots of this in a safe environment with support. You could also try shadow-work or inner child work. If you would like to explore this more from an astrological/spiritual perspective, I offer readings here

  16. Dharmesh Sharma

    Possibly the best description of this placement analytical and deeply touching every point and aspect of this placement..wonderful

  17. Interesting description of mars in 12th. I have this placement in Taurus. Competition has never been something I’ve seen as a necessary feature of human nature. Competition in itself seems to be quite detrimental to society from past to present. I see anger as just another expression of fear. Why would one get angry? When one fears that they are not getting what they want. I care not for sports or country. They are both trivial. I agree with your points on “motivated to simply do their own thing”, being drawn to isolation, and kindness, being compassionate and peaceful yet willing to challenge people and situations that seek to put others down. Yet this isolation is a means to explore the self. When one truly knows thyself.. we are limitless. Why are there homeless in the streets?… Competition. I don’t agree with your thoughts on sexual frustration though… problems with relationships. My experience with the same or opposite sex has been mostly as fluid as water. One has only has to give in relationship. When I fail to assert myself it is always because I don’t value myself over another. Mars in the 12th is the drive for spirituality. But not just spirituality, the essence of spirituality. I don’t need another to tell me about it, I pioneer it. But I also have Jupiter in the 12th in Aries. I feel at home here.

  18. Hi NukNuk – thanks for sharing your experience of this aspect in your chart. It seems as though you have gained (with Jupiter) a great understanding of how this works positively for you.

  19. I have Mars in Scorpio, and in the ascendant as well. My sign is Cancer. It is this a bad “combination”? From what I have read so far there are many negative elements in my chart. I think this also is because I have at least 3 retrograde planets! I enjoyed your work, thank you very much. Any advice or feedback will be highly appreciated. (English is not my language, sorry for mistakes)

  20. My mars is in Leo in the 12th house.

    I am interested in martial arts, simply watching Kung Fu movies. But I don’t do sports at all.

    You mentioned about isolation.

    To be honest, I always want to have good relationships with others but I failed. Although the Jupiter is in my 11th house, I can’t get into a group or be accepted. My experiences are like that one of the members disliked me without a reason ?at least I donno?, then she ?usually a she?made others EXPEL me. Those failures triggered my shame and sadness, so I choose to be alone.

    After many years, I get used to be alone. I do have some close friends but it seems it’s difficult for me to talk about my heart. I dunno whether it is because of mars in the 12th house or I am afraid that I will scare my friends away.

    All readers, but I still need to tell you guys: be brave to be yourself. I tried to get friends so I suppressed myself and I dunno why they started to use me. In the end I exploded and end the friendships.

    Something good about mars in 12th house is self motivation. I can see many people’s pain and I learn to be a person who can help them and improve the world. Now I do not force people to see my good and do not force others to accept my help. I just observe and be the best supporter to myself. I am working on my anger: accept it and love it and heal it. I am still on the way.

    Fingers crossed.

    Thanks for the detailed description.

  21. I have Virgo on 12th house for Mars, I am having depression & anxiety right now.

    I remember that while I was young, I only have few people that I know could be called as friends. I do not hangout with others close usually(Even I was playing with them, but it is just a relationships involved with playing together), I want to play with others and have fun, but I cannot join the environment: when some other people that my friends knew were playing together, and they asked me to join them, what I would think is, those people are just my friends playmate, not necessary mine. While I am having fun with them, I would often get some interests and try to know them. But the fact is, I found out other people do things that I do not like to do.(Or maybe sometimes it will take too much energy to do it.), and I often found myself having a different way of thinking compare to others. I cannot join the big group. And that is how it comes up, only me.

    I have a sort of low self esteem. I often set a high goal, a beautiful goal, that I will be much motivated toward this goal. But the reality is not that good. That is why I have a low self esteem.

    I have a low social connection with others, sometimes when chat with someone too long times, I will be really tired. and shutdown the conversation.

    One thing I am proud of myself is I know LOTS! I know lots of different things from different degrees, even though I am a Computer Science student, I am currently trying to learning how to write good fictions, I have a huge variety of interests: Astronomy, Math, Computers, Photographing. My curiosity is coming from the principles of those different subjects, if you got the principle, you could sometimes understand everything in that area! This is fascinating! The more I know, I could explain more things! such as how a camera lens works, It is simple, but how it works is complicated, that is why it is beautiful that people who design this could put highly functional things into a small thing!

    Ok I think I write too much= =, let it ends here.

  22. Hi Kevin
    Thank you for sharing your experience of this aspect. I’m sorry to hear you are suffering from anxiety and depression. That is something I have suffered from too throughout my adult life (although in my case I do not have Mars in the 12th house). I do hope you find some peace. I know it can be a long road but there are many things that we can do to help ourselves as well that make a difference. I love how you are proud of your knowledge. You sound very creative!

  23. Thanks for this. I am learning to understand myself and the aspects of anger that have surfaced throughout my life. I have mars in 12th house of Gemini. I definitely see a pattern in my relationships. Im learning to walk away at those ‘heated’ moments, and it takes practise! I’ve always had an interest in spirituality and even more so in the occult these days. I am a highly driven person with periods of preferred isolation. I walk a lot and meditate on the positive things in my life that are working. As well I practise forgiveness.

  24. I am a Sagittarius ascendant & mars in conjunction with sun in 12th house in Scorpio sign with the Jupiter aspect Ind from 6th house. Any thoughts how the Mars mahadadha plays?

  25. I have Mars retrograde in Leo on the 12th, squaring Uranus on the 3rd in Scorpio. Together with Mars on the 12th I have the Moon – with great aspects!! Then close by I have Saturn at 0º of Virgo, also retrograde, right in the Ascendant line. HELP 🙂

  26. Cláudio dos Anjos

    First house Lord in 12th house aspecting other planets.

    Moon in ? in 2nd house 1°24`
    Venus in ? in 8th house 3°6`
    Mars in ? in 12th house 1°29`
    Neptune in ? in 9th house 6°2`
    Pluto in ? in 7th house 9°40`

    ? in 1st house 26°26
    ? in 4th house 26°50`
    ? in 7th house 26°25`
    ? in 10th house 26°51`
    ? in 12th house 28°51`

    Very interesting article! ?? ????
    Thank you!

  27. Ok let me tell u about my mars in 12th house conjunct with Saturn in cancer. It is too dramatic and tearful. I cry for everything. On the positive side i can feel music in my body, the frequencies. Like to dig deep. Can manipulate peoples mind, sometimes not for good. Can see peoples heart and desires. I like to do experiments with people feelings in lab frame. Sometimes i can be cruel and inhumane but don’t like to hurt anyone too much because i feel the sorrow of every single being in my cells. Sometimes i am bored from myself and become someone or something else like rosewood, i like acting. i need to format my body and soul from time to time and i need too much rest. Life too exhausting for me but i learned to manage it. My best free time activity is doing nothing, just inhale and exhale. i love it and i can spend months by non doing just surviving.

  28. As person of mars and saturn in 12th house in cancer. i am happy when my body is happy. So i avoid sweet things and exercise. And in my case my moon in virgo uttaraphalguni nakshatra so i choose partner with moon in pieces-uttarabhadrapada or uttaraphalguni. It is important because sex is spiritual experience to me. Never take risk when you share your body it will save your soul and your time.

  29. Ever listen to war music? Gladiator, Braveheart, or Conan soundtracks? Well you should my mars in 12th friends. You need to build that internal strength. Nuk Nuk Nuk!

  30. I have mars in the 12th house of Scorpio, but the degree is so high some astrologers place it in the first house. Either way Mars in either of these houses is great for athletes. Athletes don’t say much, don’t have to fight, they get their point across in their sport and nobody messes with them because of that. Mars in the 12th house is good because it is a malefic, that is seasoned with Pisces/Jupiter- a natural benefic. I wouldn’t think too much into mars in the 12th house, if anything you might find a lot of luck in a foreign country because mars is a warrior/soldier/traveler and the 12th house is the house of foreign lands too.

  31. Also, Mars in Scorpio no matter what house and degree does absolutely wonderful. There is only certain degrees that mars does well in Aries and that is the first 8 degrees and the last 8 degrees. If you have your mars in Scorpio in the 12th house (like me) whoever is having sex with you is super lucky. You can hide the fact that your sexual, but you are such a turn on in bed.

  32. hi i have that placement also in gemini..i am very exhausted and have a need for secrecy. im an entrovert and can only be around people i connect to..very passive

  33. I have a question about mars in the 12th. I have mars in the 12th. It is in the sign Aries. Venus is conjunct Mars also Aries. My question is about having mars conjunct another planet in the 12th.

    Aries is my rising sign. Moon is sag and sun Aqarius if that helps with anything. Thank you

  34. Its very much relatable… but i wonder what if in cap asc.?
    With sagittarius in 12th n with only mars in it… bcz i have it in my chart… can u please tell me…

  35. I have mars at 29 degree in 12th libra , mars spuare sun in 9th cancer .. How can I fight to take my legacy from my couseins ? I feel it is so hard place … I think my money is lost.. I can not do anything… Could any body give me an advice please..

  36. I have Mars and Venus in the 12th house (Cancer) I usually give all I have to help others and do what’s right for them, and end up starved in return.

    The neglect I feel from parents and loved ones causes me to become incredibly angry, but I try my hardest to surpress these feelings because I don’t want to hurt anyone in any way shape or form. Which leads me to explode at times, and feel horrible afterwards.

    I was abused as a child and emotionally
    manipulated by my parents (especially my mother) and I find it very hard to be a functional adult , I’m 21 now and I feel like I’m in an endless loophole where I cannot help myself. When I try to avoid toxicity (mainly my mother) my family members (mainly My dad) will try to guilt trip me into submission, and sadly I always find myself questioning my decision to avoid her.

    With my Leo rising, I always come off as happy-go-lucky and almost no one knows the real me or what I truly go through behind the confident facade.
    The one person I truly opened up to – my first and one true love – wound up abondoning me after 5 years and started a new relationship/family with someone else. I have been Devastated ever since.

    So now that bit of happiness is dead too. I probably won’t last too much longer like this. I need help, but I’ll probably never receive it, not in this lifetime at least.

  37. Bryson, I come from basically the same family background, except I also have an older sister who plays my parents’ game and did her best to make herself the golden child and me the scapegoat. I have Mars and Saturn conjunct in the 12th (Scorpio) and my rising is late degree Scorpio, with Uranus in Sag in 1st, plus my sun and Venus conjunct in gemini in the 7th, so I kind of relate to that happy go lucky image as well.

    I am 34 though and it took me until I met my (now) husband when I was 24 to begin to figure out just how far from normal my family was. We were estranged for a while, tried to patch things up, but ultimately my mom is more concerned with how she appears than how she treats me/how I feel so we are estranged yet again (I’ve asked for an apology on the latest, which I don’t think I’ll ever get sadly).

    Wish I had something more optimistic for you but if it helps at all, you’re not alone in this. Sometimes it feels that way but you seem quite mature for 21 considering the parenting it sounds like you received. A lot of 12th house is learning to float along with the tide as it comes in and out, and let go of trying to control through anything but being a good person and learning to set boundaries. Wish I was better at it myself.

    And about your true love, have faith. My husband and I dated long distance on and off for almost 8 years before finally being in the same city, and only got married this year. It’s okay to be selective but you will only hurt yourself if you close yourself off.

    Best of luck to you.

  38. Tracey and Bryson, I can definitely relate. Secrets, parents secretly making false allegations behind my back to others. Many many secrets, all and mostly using me as the one to blame/bad guy. I feel a mate will choose someone better. I’m going through that now. Mars in 12th house. Ugh. I’m always alone. Problems with addictions. Self sabatoge. Very awkward upbringing. Realized I have to abandon people that hurt me. I’m used as entertainment when angry. Intentionally provoked. And parent does exactly what I ask/beg not to do in my face. Parent side with enemies. Parents tell me I have no rights or privacy. They’re secretive and manipulative. Gotta go

  39. Thank you this was very helpful.
    I can relate very much. What is your view on my 12 house being in Leo?

  40. A light in the dark, especially for those who are suffering. A need for a creative a approach to your spirituality. Colourful imagination. Don’t let pride be your self-undoing.

  41. I really needed this article today. I’ve been working with my birth chart and trying to finish putting all the info together. This article really hit my heart. Thank you. Mars in 12 house of Leo.

  42. Just had a fit of rage tonight after months of repressing my disdain for a certain person I befriended when no one else wanted anything to do with him, someone who slowly took advantage of me, and eventually outright disrespected me, someone whose flaws I overlooked over and over. Tonight I desired to do seriously bodily harm to this person. And I have no doubt that had I not had any worry of being caught, I would have committed murder. It’s been 2 hours and I still would love for nothing less than to see him be set on fire. I wouldn’t piss on him if I SAW him on fire. I felt true hatred, hatred that I haven’t felt since childhood. I’m having trouble even allowing my body to relax to sleep even though I’m tired. I just couldn’t bring myself to use the knife that was a mere 3 feet away because I knew he was not worth the damage that would be done to my life. But I AM feeling regretful that I couldn’t just be satisfied with a punch, even tho it would have felt good, it wouldn’t be enough. I do know that I have crossed over into new territory. I now fear that my next private battle will end just as tonight would have, minus all eyes on me. I never wanted to take a life but now I do. But I’m also pissed that I showed anger because it feels like he won. I had all the intention of keeping my composure. So that makes me pissed all over again. I don’t expect a response, I’m just venting.

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